All 259 cards

Another lap around the sun.

birthday · funny

Congratulations on continuing to exist.

birthday · sarcastic

Statistically, this is one of your better remaining birthdays.

birthday · dark

Another year of you.

birthday · sincere

I didn't forget.

birthday · funny

You don't look a day over what you actually are.

birthday · sarcastic

Still choosing you.

anniversary · sincere

Another year of tolerating each other beautifully.

anniversary · sarcastic

Thanks for being the witness.

anniversary · sincere

I had other options. I'm told.

anniversary · funny

A card, because that is what one does.

holiday · sarcastic

Warmth, from here to there.

holiday · sincere

We made it to the end of another one.

holiday · dark

You are one of forty people getting this exact card.

holiday · funny

There isn't a right thing to say.

sympathy · sincere

You don't have to be okay about this.

sympathy · sincere

I'm so sorry. Also there's a casserole coming.

sympathy · dark

Knew you would.

congratulations · sincere

Suspiciously competent of you.

congratulations · sarcastic

New job, new people to disappoint.

congratulations · funny

I noticed.

thank you · sincere

I owe you one. Possibly several.

thank you · funny

No occasion.

just because · sincere

Checking you're still alive.

just because · sarcastic

Everything is a lot right now.

just because · dark

Congratulations on your new personality.

new pet · sarcastic

Your floor belongs to something else now.

new pet · funny

A new small life, entirely dependent on you.

new pet · sincere

You do not own a cat. You have been assigned one.

new pet · sarcastic

Someone got very lucky today.

new pet · sincere

Anyone who says it was “just a dog” never had one.

pet loss · sincere

They had a very good life, because of you.

pet loss · sincere

The house is too quiet now.

pet loss · dark

Congratulations on your rapidly depreciating asset.

new car · sarcastic

Nothing will ever smell this good again.

new car · funny

The no-eating-in-the-car rule will last nine days.

new car · sarcastic

Four of those boxes will never be opened.

new home · sarcastic

You now owe a bank more than you can conceive of.

new home · dark

A door that is yours to close.

new home · sincere

Congratulations. Sleep was nice while it lasted.

new baby · sarcastic

A tiny illiterate person now runs your house.

new baby · funny

Welcome to the loudest love there is.

new baby · sincere

Congratulations on your excellent decision.

divorce · sarcastic

You kept the good half of everything.

divorce · dark

Ending it well takes more courage than starting it.

divorce · sincere

Your taste has improved retroactively.

breakup · sarcastic

The whole bed is yours now.

breakup · funny

It's allowed to hurt even though it was right.

breakup · sincere

You finally did the thing you talked about for four years.

quit job · sarcastic

They will replace you in nine days and forget you in eleven.

quit job · dark

No more pretending to look at spreadsheets.

quit job · funny

Every single day is Saturday now.

retirement · sarcastic

Forty years. That's a whole life of showing up.

retirement · sincere

Heard you got the good drugs.

recovery · sarcastic

Resting is the work right now.

recovery · sincere

Fewer original parts than last week.

recovery · dark

Every single one of those days was a decision.

sobriety · sincere

You're much harder to embarrass now.

sobriety · sarcastic

That's on there forever, you know.

tattoo · sarcastic

Wear long sleeves at Christmas.

tattoo · funny

Educated, unemployed, and deeply in debt.

graduation · dark

You did the hard thing all the way to the end.

graduation · sincere

Well. That's that decided then.

engagement · sarcastic

Everyone saw this coming and everyone is glad.

engagement · sincere

This card cost more than your present.

birthday · sarcastic

You're not old. You're just further along.

birthday · dark

I'm contractually required to acknowledge this.

thank you · sarcastic

You have cleared an extremely low bar magnificently.

just because · sarcastic

We all knew you'd get there eventually.

congratulations · sarcastic

Welcome to the rest of your life.

first hangover · funny

You made a deal last night. This is the payment.

first hangover · sarcastic

Today you learned you are mortal.

first hangover · dark

A rite of passage, technically.

first hangover · sincere

You survived it.

first hangover · happy

You rang the bell.

cancer free · happy

You did the hardest thing there is.

cancer free · sincere

Time to go back to being boring.

cancer free · sarcastic

Nobody tells you how tired the good news leaves you.

cancer free · sad

You beat the numbers.

cancer free · dark

You survived a mild respiratory infection.

man cold · sarcastic

They should give out medals for this.

man cold · funny

Never have so many heard so much about so little.

man cold · sarcastic

Being ill is miserable, whatever anyone says.

man cold · sincere

And now there is nothing.

finished show · sad

Condolences on finishing the show.

finished show · sarcastic

The ending was bad and you know it.

finished show · dark

You could just watch it again.

finished show · funny

The first one is the worst one.

first breakup · sincere

It feels like it will not stop hurting.

first breakup · sad

Your first heartbreak. How very traditional of you.

first breakup · sarcastic

Every song is about you now.

first breakup · funny

You left the ground.

first flight · happy

You sat in a metal tube and it worked.

first flight · sarcastic

The clouds look like that from above.

first flight · sincere

The world just got considerably bigger.

first flight · happy

No questions. Yesterday's clothes speak for themselves.

walk of shame · sarcastic

You look like a decision.

walk of shame · funny

Drink some water and eat something.

walk of shame · sincere

Nothing in it matches and it is perfect.

first apartment · happy

You now pay someone else's mortgage.

first apartment · dark

One folding chair is a valid furniture strategy.

first apartment · funny

The roads have gotten measurably worse today.

driving test · sarcastic

You can go anywhere now.

driving test · happy

You will never parallel park that well again.

driving test · funny

Silence is an answer. A cowardly one, but an answer.

got ghosted · sarcastic

Not knowing why is the worst part.

got ghosted · sad

They couldn't manage one text.

got ghosted · funny

It grows back. It always grows back.

bad haircut · sincere

A bold and courageous choice.

bad haircut · sarcastic

This is what hats are for.

bad haircut · funny

You did your best and it died anyway.

plant died · funny

In your defence, it was probably going to die regardless.

plant died · sarcastic

It was doing so well for a while.

plant died · sad

Twenty-six miles. Nobody was chasing you.

marathon · sarcastic

You ran the whole thing.

marathon · happy

You'll get the toenails back eventually.

marathon · dark

Of all the people. They chose you.

jury duty · sarcastic

Enjoy the worst coffee of your life.

jury duty · funny

They have gone home.

family visit · sarcastic

You love them enormously and you're glad it's over.

family visit · funny

Some visits take more than they give.

family visit · sad

You deleted it.

deleted the app · happy

Deleted. For roughly nine days.

deleted the app · sarcastic

Back again. For the fourth time this year.

back to gym · sarcastic

Starting again is harder than starting.

back to gym · sincere

The stairs will betray you tomorrow.

back to gym · funny

It's just the one. For now.

first grey hair · dark

You earned that one.

first grey hair · sincere

The word is distinguished.

first grey hair · funny

Bones are supposed to stay in one piece.

broke a bone · funny

I hope the story is worth the six weeks.

broke a bone · sarcastic

Six weeks of doing considerably less.

broke a bone · sincere

Happy whichever one you do.

holiday · funny

This card covers every December holiday simultaneously.

holiday · sarcastic

I got you this birthday cod.

birthday · dadjoke

You're one in a melon.

birthday · dadjoke

Hoppy birthday.

birthday · dadjoke

Have an a-maize-ing birthday.

birthday · dadjoke

Olive you very much.

anniversary · dadjoke

You're the brie to my baguette.

anniversary · dadjoke

I donut know what I'd do without you.

just because · dadjoke

You're grate.

thank you · dadjoke

You're nacho average friend.

thank you · dadjoke

You otter be proud of yourself.

congratulations · dadjoke

Whale done.

congratulations · dadjoke

Turtley awesome.

congratulations · dadjoke

You're the zest.

just because · dadjoke

I'm nuts about you.

just because · dadjoke

Let's taco 'bout how great you are.

just because · dadjoke

You're pretty fly for an old guy.

birthday · dadjoke

Bear with me, you'll be fine.

recovery · dadjoke

Nothing is soda pressing.

just because · dadjoke

I a-door your new place.

new home · dadjoke

Is this dog fur real?

new pet · dadjoke

It's about time.

retirement · dadjoke

It's getting hot in here — must be all those degrees.

graduation · dadjoke

Sole survivor.

marathon · dadjoke

It'll grow on you.

bad haircut · dadjoke

Rest in peas.

plant died · dadjoke

Thanks a latte.

thank you · dadjoke

You're kind of a big dill.

congratulations · dadjoke

Egg-cellent work.

congratulations · dadjoke

Wheely happy for you.

new car · dadjoke

You nailed it.

new home · dadjoke

You've got to be kitten me.

new pet · dadjoke

You're my butter half.

anniversary · dadjoke

I miss you s'more every day.

just because · dadjoke

Life would be un-bear-able without you.

just because · dadjoke

Aged to purr-fection.

birthday · dadjoke

Lettuce celebrate.

birthday · dadjoke

You're the mane event.

birthday · dadjoke

Berry happy birthday.

birthday · dadjoke

Time to un-wind.

retirement · dadjoke

Plenty more fish, apparently.

breakup · dadjoke

You're plane wonderful.

first flight · dadjoke

Oh, the places you'll grow.

graduation · dadjoke

That job was the wurst.

quit job · dadjoke

Here's a toast to you.

congratulations · dadjoke

You're absolutely tea-riffic.

thank you · dadjoke

Owl always love you.

anniversary · dadjoke

Whisking you a speedy recovery.

recovery · dadjoke

Hope you feel better soon-flower.

recovery · dadjoke

Hope you're having a grape day.

just because · dadjoke

Holy cow.

congratulations · dadjoke

You're very a-peeling.

just because · dadjoke

Fur-ever in your corner.

pet loss · sincere

Seas the day.

just because · dadjoke

What's kraken?

just because · dadjoke

Shell yeah.

congratulations · dadjoke

That's a hole in one.

congratulations · dadjoke

Toucan play at that game.

just because · dadjoke

Hoppy birthday, you old hare.

birthday · dadjoke

You're top koala-tea.

thank you · dadjoke

I narwhal never forget you.

anniversary · dadjoke

You two cantaloupe.

engagement · dadjoke

No need to hurry now.

retirement · dadjoke

Hedging your bets with a mortgage.

new home · dadjoke

Not moose to say, really.

just because · dadjoke

Owl be there when you're better.

recovery · dadjoke

Feeling a bit crabby?

just because · dadjoke

You're very deer to me.

just because · dadjoke

Just bee yourself out there.

graduation · dadjoke

You absolutely snailed it.

marathon · dadjoke

Squid pro quo.

thank you · dadjoke

You're a fungi to know.

just because · dadjoke

Complete otter nonsense, this card.

birthday · dadjoke

Officially un-hitched.

divorce · dadjoke

A split decision.

divorce · dadjoke

Consciously uncoupling. Like train carriages.

divorce · dadjoke

This is the good news, by the way.

divorce · happy

The grief is proportional to the love.

pet loss · sad

One day soon you'll have a good day and not notice.

breakup · happy

Leaving somewhere good is its own kind of loss.

quit job · sad

Being ill alone is genuinely grim.

man cold · sad

You did the whole thing.

graduation · happy

A new one never replaces the last one.

new pet · sad